You and your husband have tried and tried and tried, but still nothing…. I know I’m not alone in this struggle, as many couples deal with infertility. As I sit patiently watching the time pass by with every birthday I can’t help but think, is it too late? How about the weird social anxiety that comes along with the fact that you’re not pregnant yet…example, every time I say, “guess what” to someone their answer is always, “you’re pregnant!” Here comes that awkward pause and “no, no not pregnant”…followed by that fake laugh I’ve perfected. I really just wanted to share that I colored my hair, or whatever news I for one moment thought was exciting. It’s easy to feel sorry for myself and feel like a complete failure as a human woman, but I have to remind myself that I am not in control, but my Father in heaven who loves me is!
We are so blessed to live in such a time as we do where there are so many options for women who haven’t been able to conceive naturally, but what happens when you don’t want to explore those options? Maybe I’m alone in my thoughts, but I want to have a child naturally, and if I’m not able to then I’m willing to come to terms with that if I need to. I ask myself often why don’t I go to the doctor and get more involved testing or look into IVF, and the desire is just not there for me. Please don’t get that confused with a lack in desire for children of my own, because that’s really not it at all….it’s just that, for me, something keeps holding me back.
Here’s what I know…I know my Father is going to bless me with a family I’m just not sure how or when. I pray that the Lord will bless my husband and I with biological children, but I know whatever His will is will be what’s right for me and my family. I have a deep compassion for children already here on this earth without a family. Is this my calling? Is that what is mysteriously holding me back? How can we be sure…will I ever look back and regret not fighting with everything I have to conceive a child naturally with my husband, or is my desire lacking because God has placed another desire in my heart? I hope to adopt children, several children, regardless if we ever are able to conceive naturally, but for right now I’m being patient in Christ and waiting to see where He leads my steps….
“Shout for joy, O barren one, she who has not given birth;
Break forth into joyful shouting and rejoice,
she who has not gone into labor [with child]!
For the [spiritual] sons of the desolate one will be more
numerous than the sons of the married woman,” says the Lord.
“Enlarge the site of your tent [to make room for more children];
Stretch out the curtains of your dwellings, do not spare them;
lengthen your tent ropes and make your pegs (stakes) firm
[in the ground]. “For you will spread out to the right and to the left;
and your descendants will take possession of nations
and will inhabit deserted cities”